Thursday, November 3, 2016
November 2016 Day 3
No NaNo word count at this time. I am actually in a Write In session as this is being typed up. Not everyone has arrived, so I thought I’d take this time to do my BlogHer prompt.
Nov. 3: If you could be completely honest with no regrets, what would you say and to whom?
I would have to say my mother. Back when I was very very young, someone did something very terrible to me. Someone too close that did something very vile. I never said anything. To anyone. In this, I developed many mental disorders that I hid and tried to cope with as best I could, even resorting to self-mutilation, which I still tend to do to this day.
I should have told me mother. In not telling my mother, and all these …things…started coming out of me and my cracked and fractured mind and soul, my mother though she did something wrong in raising me. She took it as a failure on her part.
It wasn’t until my late teens that I tried to commit suicide and wound up in a hospital for a month. I went to a shrink, and HE blamed my mother, despite the fact I never told him this vile thing that happened to me.
So, all these years, she carried this burden that she had damaged me somehow. It wasn’t until I was in my late 30’s that I finally had a total and complete nervous breakdown and actually started getting real psychiatric help. To this day, I’ve not confided in my mother the vile thing. But now she knows it wasn’t her fault. Some of it was just me. I was born this way. Schizophrenic, major bi-polar, major depression with psychotic episodes and anxieties of all kinds. I even suffered through agoraphobia for a few years. It took a long time to learn to leave the house to a ‘safety zone’…and then expand that zone into more public places. I still don’t go grocery shopping at Walmart unless its 2am.
If I could tell my mother the terrible vile thing I would. But I feel like it would do even more damage to her than good. She’s old, frail, and so far away from me (She and my dad live in Guatemala as missionaries) I just couldn’t do any more harm to her than I feel I already have.
We all have regrets in life. I have more than just this. I regret how I treated my ex-husband when we first divorced. However, this is something that I actually have rectified. I apologized. When he needed someone, I was there. And when I fell apart, he was there. We are the best of friends now. I don’t know what I would do without him. Of course, yanno, still wanna kill him on occasion, but, guys will be guys.